Something really unwise in me tells me not to answer her phone calls, or open her e-mails when the subject line says 'What's the deal' or 'did you do __________ yet? It's been a month' and it's not because she's being a horrible mean mom and telling me I'm a horrible irresponsible person... (well... I suppose she's telling me I'm being irresponsible, but not in a horrible way)
.. I don't answer for the same reason it's been a month and a half and I still haven't filled out and mailed those blah-blah forms to her, with which she graciously included a self-addressed and stamped envelope to make it a little more likely that I'll get around to performing this small task that should have taken five minutes.
I don't answer because I figure, I'll talk to her once I've done it.. then she won't say 'oh my god Josette, are you serious (like OMGWTF) and I won't feel like a total retard because my procrastination levels are deep into the red zone labelled 'retarded'.
Enough about beating myself up already. My point is, my mom is the wisest person I know. She's like buddha only she's really hot and drives a red Honda Accord and carries a briefcase.
I've been avoiding her phone calls for almost two months now and since I was already sitting in my house moping like a child, I thought I would go ahead and make 'cool' use of my Friday night by calling my mom and whining about how my 'pretty-good-life' is 'slightly-inconvenient-slash-boring-sometimes'.
She's wise because she knows when to be frank, without being condescending. Our twenty-minute conversation was more enlightening than the Tao Te Ching I'm pretty sure because she was spot-on and effortless about everything she told me, like poetry or art and other things that are just right because they leave you feeling like, 'OHHHHHHHhhhh. ok. well shit.'
Now I am sitting here trying to remember specifically what she said that made me go 'Aw GAHHH Mum you're so fucking* (*censored) right!' ...but its a bit fuzzy... sometimes I wish I had a tape recorder. All I know is I feel I've been put in my place and it's the best possible place because I feel more confident and ready and a bit more lucid.
One thing I do remember her saying is, 'Nobody is stronger than anyone else.' Because I was being twenty-something and looking at someone else as being weaker than myself. And she's totally right, and I am totally humbled in this moment. I'll try to remember this next time I feel weak, or strong.
She also surprised me by supporting my passing thoughts about moving to NYC in the near future and totally egged me on to save up and get there in the next few months. She told me, 'You are adventurous, and you need stimulation, and you're so free, and so smart, and there are so many more opportunities there. And if you don't like it, you can go somewhere else, because you can do anything.'
She did not surprise me by discouraging my other passing thought about moving back to Maui.
Mom: 'You'll just be there and that's it.'
Me: 'But it's nice, and it heals me and I feel like it gives me strength.'
Mom: 'You need to invest your energy into your life, and put your energy into it. Any time you think life takes things from you, that you're less, or weak, or a worse person because of something that happens, it's
Just
Not
True.
'Everything that happens to you in your life makes you a better person. You can only become a better person, stronger, more compassionate, wiser, more capable.'
'You can go back to Maui because its your life, and only you know what you need, but I will tell you that you will have more choices in NYC, and I will tell you that you are the kind of person who needs to have a choice, because you can't stay put.. not in a job, not in a way of thinking, or in a place. If you could have everything possible happen to you in one day, if you could time-warp to a million places in a week you would. And Maui is one place, on an island very far away and one way of life. And you will feel stagnant, you spent a year there, and you told me this yourself.'
And she was right again.
And also knew me better than I thought she did... knew me better than I knew myself even (at least in that moment).. and not only did she know me, but respected my way, which was not hers.
I thought she would tell me it was financially unwise, or that I should think about settling down and balancing my checkbook, or that I should stop moving every year or so for once but instead she told me to move forward, be free, to start thinking about my future, and grow..
I suppose she's never told me exactly what to do with my life, and I'd never listen anyway so maybe this is why I feel like it's unfolded perfectly according to (non)plan.
I got a bit teary-eyed... in the way like when you realize how lucky you are to know someone, only times a billion because that person is my mom, and she raised me sorta with that wisdom and compassion, and faith... which means, it's part of me.
I'm very lucky. I feel like a superhero but the kind that knows everyone else is a superhero too, so I don't feel like such a big-shot (because nobody's stronger than anybody else).
When my mom was my age, she had me, I was just born.
She knew why I hadn't done the tiny task she asked me to. I could tell she'd thought about it when she said 'Sometimes thinking about all the things you need to do is so exhausting you just want to lay down. But really, just organize the three page to-do list into five small ones, and check them off like a treasure hunt and I promise it's so little effort for such great relief and you will feel a million times better.'
I liked how she used the treasure hunt analogy. It was like she knew this would appeal to me. I am simple, and it did.
I used to worry I'd become like my mom when I was younger, but the older I get the more I realize, well,
She's just awesome. Even if I don't think so sometimes. So even though I can only be like me, I have noticed I am also a little like her, and it's not so bad.
Sometimes when I'm feeling cheeky, I get all proud of myself and think I'm very clever and can handle some things some one else can't. I suppose that's alright but will always be accessorized with a 'lingering feeling of self-doubt'. Because it's kind of not true (but this is really ok).
When you're not better off than someone, or worse off than someone, you're both just kind of there, right? Just two people, being people. The story doesn't end with a winner, or a loser, with inferiority or superiority... it doesn't end in front, or behind. In fact,
if you think of it another way, it's not you (here) and them (there)... it's us (together).
Mom also said,
'Of course you feel alone sometimes, like you have no friends, or you can't relate to anyone, it's the most human thing in the world!! We ALL feel this way, it's the most, 100% understandable human experience so just know, when you feel alone, you are not. Lots and lots of ppl are feeling alone at the exact same time as you. We could make a club.'
(we have, it's called the internet).
Anyway I could go on, but I won't because she says a lot of cool stuff that I can't remember exactly so I just end up making things up that sum the general gist of it. She also says a lot of mean stuff, but its because she's not stronger or smarter or less alone than anyone else.
But she's my mom, so to me she is a superhero anyway.
by the way, this is my grandmother (with my brother). She too is a superhero. I've used this photo three times in this blog I think, but I mean. C'mon.
