11/05/06 - Cup Overflow

I am feeling a little.... I don't know what it is. I've been feeling a little overwhelmed, little cries, what is it....

But it feels nice, it's a feeling I haven't let myself feel in a long time...

... I was supposed to spend today working all day with Oleg, figuring out new communication strategies and testing out different programs- but we spent the whole day instead just talking, about everything really, from how my dad called me yesterday crying and asking if I still loved him, to that thing we can't describe in words that every person feels connected to, to grief about lack of grief. Oleg said he intended to work, but he decided it was mroe fun to just hang out, so we did.

I have a very unconventional employment situation. My primary responsibility as an employee of this company is to provide comfort and advice to those I work with.

And while in a way this is my dream job, it leaves me with a little bit of anxiety about having that kind of a responsibility in my hands, in spite of the knowledge that I know I can do it, because it's just what I do without being able to help it

My whole world is turned quite upside down, and not in a bad way. Everything is just so different and unfamiliar.

My lost and found friendship with John is more than I could ask for- and not in any wishful thinking sort of way, I am just so happy to know him. Never in a million years would I have thought I would have that opportunity

And with these two impossibilities made possible, and me, dumbfounded, completely and utterly... I wonder how this all happened. How did all my dreams come true? I am waiting for everything to fall apart any second.

I'm am forced to stare in the face what I have to offer as a human being... through observing that I have been offered just for being a human-being.
And my friends. And my family. How could I even put into words how very blessed I am. I am so blessed.

I just got off the phone with carl, and I kept saying 'I don't know, I just don't know what is going on.' But this is somewhat of a lie. I am accepting something this year in my life that I could never accept or appreciate, and sometimes you run yourself ragged through the obstacle course of life and find yourself transformed and you can't even look at yourself in the mirror because who is this person shining so bright

Amanda wrote something about me in her blog that I can't even find the words to respond to, it means so much to me. What could I even say, except that she has taught me every bit as much in this life if not more- and one important thing- that I, me, Josephine, am so blessed to be me, and that life is an adventure at every turn

I didn't even realize how important that thing was

Have you ever cried real, real tears of joy? I have (lucky). Many times in Maui, and right now, sitting here in my bed, trying to think about all these things at once.

It's so lovely, all of it. I am completely in love with this life, and everything in it. UNabashedly, unapologetically, and full (full) of thanks.

Is it okay for me to admit I'm a little bit confused? That might be the right word.