Oh, this time in my life. In our lives.
I feel like a ball at the end of a tether cord, back and forth and all around. Some days I wake up and I can't stop myself, I'm moving so fast. I'm a whirlwind of productivity; here I'll paint my mural now, and then ten feet away to my turntables, and now I'll read a book and edit my writing.
Now I am going to go for a walk to look at records and pretty things while trying not to buy them, and then I go home to revise my resume, have three friends review it, write and edit several cover letter templates, and apply to five jobs a day. I feel un-fuckin-stoppable. And then.
Down, down and back again. One day, then two, then five. No responses. And then I wonder what I did wrong, was I not qualified enough? Was I not proactive enough? Is my old boss right, am I really unemployable? These things really get me down... these rejection things.
I sit in my home and I feel kicked around, and deflated. Like my intentions were stated boldly into the dark, but the Magic didn't work, and now someone is laughing back at me far away where I can't hear them.
My mural sits unpainted because I am sick with worry about my dwindling bank account. Nick asks me what I did today and I say 'Nothing', but that's never really true... I played records... I didn't do my laundry, or edit my book for more than half an hour, or paint my mural... I just checked my email every once in a while in case someone responded and played records all day and all night. I suppose that's something.
I tried to look for new jobs but I would look at the job descriptions and my chest would hurt, because I knew I would just get excited about it and hear nothing back.
I know that there are other ways of doing it, networking and such, but right now I just feel so deflated. I've got to blow some life into my ego, before I start to think I'm clever enough to be clever about it.
I've got to push.
"I'm proud of you," Nick said.
"Why so?"
"Because you never give up."
I could work as a waitress, or at the record store. Just to tide myself over... but it just doesn't feel right. I quit working at the coffee shop because I wanted to take the time to focus the proverbial crosshairs, and hit the bullseye. To find myself right where I intend to be. Chris and anyone feeling more buddhist than I do at the moment would remind me that I should be here, now. I say things like that to people all the time.
But there's some piece of the puzzle that I haven't quite wrapped my head around yet, which is how to Be Here Now, and also to move... and not forward, or towards something, but to just move.... to dance.
I want to dance. That's what this is about. I feel paralyzed, like someone is teaching me the two-step when I just want to shake my body the way it wants to shake, and to move my feet, and make my body sweat enraptured by the sheer passion of the Movement
They taught us at Kahua to Be Total, and to be present in every moment and the way it feels, its taste, its texture. It comes so naturally, and feels so right.
But how is it to be in your nature in such an unnatural world? It feels like sandpaper against my soul.
I wanted to see if the magic I saw in myself in Maui could work here... and the optimistic part of me thinks it does
the rest of me, it just can't see. Any of it. At all.
I feel so naive, all over again. Like a caged animal wanting to be free. I have been a caged animal, and I have been free. What I want, is to just be that animal existing, having shed the illusion of the cage.
I watched Breakfast at Tiffany's the other week and there was some sort of noble speech at the end when the main character is being accosted for running away from her problems.
Her co-star had said something like, 'You keep running because you don't want to be in a cage, but no matter where you go, that cage will be there, because that cage is your own insecurities, and fears. It doesn't matter where you are, or who you are, you will always be in a cage.'
That probably wasn't how it went. I probably made all that up. But you get the point.
I have tethered myself in place, to my insecurities and fears. But I know what it's like to fly. And I can cut this cord.
Earlier today Nick held me by the shoulders and said "Remember what you told me about setting intentions? You can make this happen, all you have to do is set your intention."
I was crying then, not so much because I was discouraged, but just because I felt so much love for him for reminding me. All of you lovely humans, reminding me.
I can do this. I can get the job that I am passing up all other jobs to get, because I can see it, and it is mine. I am not unintelligent, or incapable. All I have to do is show myself, my real self, and I will find a way.
No comments:
Post a Comment