1/14/07 - A Hypothetical Interaction

----------------- Original Message -----------------
From: nick
Date: 1/13/2007


hi. the voice of the dead right? i'm sorry, and i know 2 words isn't enough, but it's an apology long-overdue. clearly, this isn't an attempt at "hitting on you," just as i know your attempts at staying friends weren't... i really appreciate the fact that you tried to keep me as a friend... and i took your words at face value, especially since i have no doubt that hawaii provokes some intense states... but uh... i really wanted to keep in touch, but it was such an uphill struggle... i was caught in my own catch 22, clearly my own fault... i dunno. it seems you're doing well, and i'm really happy for that. i know it seems a little contrived that now that i'm single i can say these things, but that's kind of the trap i stuck myself in... i just... hope you know that you've been in my mind, and that our memories aren't somehow tarnished, i'll never forget em... anyway, i'm not about to friend request you cuz i realize it's not my call at this point... but if you can give me a chance, just as a friend, request me... i'm sorry.

__________________

my response, that I haven't decided whether or not to send:

I'm tired of this game. I've been single all year because of how tired I am of it. I don't want to play games, or think about 'who's call' it is, or whose ball is in what court.

This thing yesterday with you sending me pictures and music, and then you didn't even reply to what I had to say- it's disrespectful, and a waste of my time and energy really.

My friendships are important to me and based on trust and respect. I would like to be friends with you. All it takes are these two things.

But as it is now, I don't trust you and I don't feel you respect me. You have to admit that beyond the 'girls are melodramatic' veil, I have a justifiable reason for feeling this way.

So it would take a little effort and communication for us to have a friendship- and if it's not worth the effort on your part, then I think it's fair to say it's not a friendship worth having.

That's the bottom line, right? I've realized this past year that I am a blessed, loved, and whole human being. I'm doing my best to be aware and honest, and I try to ask for nothing more than to be treated with dignity. I won't settle for anything less.

Everything in me seems to be telling me never to speak to you again. Something deep in my chest is telling me, 'this person has hurt you more deeply than any other person, it's best to ignore him, your life is better off that way'.

But when you brush matters of the heart aside there's something more true there. This is the year of strength and growth. When I listen to that part of me, which is truly me, it says "I forgive you". So I think I understand now, and it would be nice to start somewhere other than friendship, and to move beyond ill feelings. I would like to get acquainted. Pleased to make your acquaintance, my dear human.