2/5/07 - What's the Worst That Could Happen?

I remember when I decided to take this job. I tried to factor everything in. I thought to myself, it's a great opportunity to move somewhere I've never been all by myself, and to have new experiences. I thought to myself, 'What's the worst that could happen? Nothing I can't handle."

I haven't had a chance really to think about it, so I'll just recall.

I went to a conference in Colorado this weekend, I left on Thursday.

I met my boss at the airport and we had breakfast. I'm recalling to him Amanda and I's favorite story about the dragonfruit and the night-blooming cirrus.

On the plane I'm reading him some essay I'd written about one thing or another and he says, 'I love it,'

I say 'thanks.'

Then he says, no, I don't think you heard what I said. I give him a confused look.

Then he says "I love you."

I feel a little cold, like my dreams just flushed out of me and onto the floor of the airplane.

"Oh."

So he recounts things to me. That he'd thought about it a lot and felt it was important to be truthful. That he was truthful in his life about everything except one thing, which was admitting that he was far more interested in a personal relationship with me than with a professional one.

That he is pretty sure I'm not thinking of him that way, but he really feels like I am the woman for him, and he is the man for me. My heart sinks another 1000 feet.

He tells me he's pretty sure I wasn't looking at the situation that way. He's right. I moved from Maui (paradise) to Boston for a chance to pursue a career. I trusted that something as uncomfortable as this would not be an issue. I was wrong.

He tells me he understands it's important for me to feel safe and assures me that I am. I am stuck on a plane to Colorado for the next five hours sitting next to this person, my boss, who is in love with me. For the next three days I will be stranded in the mountains with him. I do not feel safe. He tells me I will be conpensated if I decide I don't want to work for him anymore. I thank him for being honest and appreciate his offer, since it was not my fault anyway and yes I don't think it's a good idea to work for him anymore.

He tells me he's not interested in an affair, but in a long term permanent thing. I look at the floor.

He tells me he's impressed that I'm taking this unexpected news so well. I tell him I have to digest it for a while.

I spend the weekend at a conference with a bunch of really good people, all financial planners with hearts of gold. These are Oleg's friends and colleagues. They're very impressive spiritually, and sweet. "Oleg really is the most brilliant, intelligent person I have ever met,' they tell me. 'He really is one of a kind.' I agree.

'I bet you guys make a good team in the office,' they say. 'You're both very unique creatures.' That we are, I say.

Later that night Oleg asks me how I'm liking the conference. I tell him I'm having a good time talking to people, because I am. The he says, "Why don't you ask me for a few days off and stay in Colorado after the conference for a few days to have fun and go skiing, or snowshoeing, or i could ski and you could just hang out at the lodge and read a book? I just want to spend time with you."

I say, "Oleg, I think we need to talk."

I try to get him to see where I'm coming from. He doesn't seem to be seeing much at all. I tell him I'm not interested, and try and consider that he has completely turned my world upside down. I have to quit my job. I'm stuck in the mountains surrounded by his friends and colleagues, and with him. I have lost any control I might have had over the situation by being here.

He seems to understand and says it's okay to just be friends. Good.

I start to talk about how it's not such a bad thing. I could work on my art more, I say, and write. I could get a job that doesn't require so much thought and focus on things outside of work. If there's anything I've learned its that you've just got to do what you need to do.

He tells me I'm an artist through and through, and that I should spend all my time making art. He offers some marketing strategies. I tell him I'm not interested in marketing my work. I would rather work at a coffee shoppe or something and do it on the side.

And then he hesitates, and says, 'Well there's an alternative.'

And I hope he doesn't say what I think he's going to say. But of course he does.

'If we had a family together, you wouldn't have to work and you could just make art.'

(appalled.) "....what did you just say to me?"

He says, 'When I'm around you I feel alive. I want you around all the time. I think about coming home to you every night all the time. I know there's a big age difference but I think we could work through the problems that would cause.'

I don't want to work through anything with him or even think about anything having to do with what he'd just said to me. I couldn't believe this was happening.

He looks at my face. Clearly I have a look on it that is saying 'You are a fucking lunatic' because he says to me, 'Can we just forget I just said that?'

I can't forget though.

I'm wondering where my rational, platonic friend of a boss went. I'm wondering how this all could have happened. Part of me is laughing because I couldn't imagine things falling apart in a more appalling way. I thought this shit only happened in movies.

I also feel incredibly alone, and vulnerable.

The next day is the last day of the conference. I'm still holding myself together. I still don't know what to do. There is a wine social, and then dinner. I am having a pleasant time talking to all the interesting people. I tell Oleg I ran out of cigarettes and I'm feeling jolly like it doesn't have to be a big deal, because Oleg is just being honest and things could be worse.

He makes a joke about taking advantage of my drunkenness and I shrug it off because I'm not that drunk and I could probably kick his ass if he tried anyway. He offers to drive me out of the park to get cigarettes and I accept because I am an addict.

He says, "i'll go first, then meet me at the car." He's been like this the whole time, all secretive even though we're just going to get fucking cigarettes. whatever.

we go and get cigarettes and he tells me everyone is impressed with me and that it seems like I am the alpha female of the group. meh.

he does the same "I go in first, then you go in later" thing. I have a cigarette and decide to have another glass of wine and socialize a bit before going to meet up with Oleg to discuss how i'm going to put together my shattered life.

I have a great conversation with Dick Wagner, Oleg's mentor. He's a good guy. About half an hour later I call Oleg to see if he's still awake and he says "I'm still awake, but I'm pissed."

Pissed? Why?

"Just drop by for a second."

Fine.

I drop by. He is irate. "What the fuck was that?" he says.

I'm perplexed that he even has the nerve to be angry with me at all.

"I thought you were just going to follow me up, and then you don't show up for half an hour. I can't go to sleep because I think you might be coming. How could you do this to me?"

How could you do this to me? How could YOU do this to ME? I remain silent.

"If you're not going to talk then you're just wasting my time."

I'm fuming.

"Do you not have anything to say?"

"No. I don't. This is a hostile environment and no, I don't feel like talking."

He gets up and opens the door. "Goodnight."

In my head I say, "fuck you." I walk out and go to sleep.

My ride to the airport is at seven in the morning. I'm leaving and going back to Boston and I don't really know what's going on, or what I'm going to do.

Oleg calls me at 6:45 and says, "I have a meeting in an hour and I want to talk to you so we can either talk before or after the meeting." I tell him I'm leaving at seven. He says, drop by for a few minutes. Fine.

I drop by. He's pissed still. "So you were just going to leave without talking to me? You didn't even tell me you were leaving at seven in the morning. How could you be so cruel?"

At this point I'm exhausted, and I'd just woken up. I was so exhausted from the unfairness of it all. I start to cry. I never cry anymore these days.

He says, "So you're just planning to go back to Boston without telling me? I asked you if you wanted to stay in Colorado with me and you didn't even give me a direct response. I thought we were going to be clear with each other? We had the whole time in the car getting cigarettes to discuss this and you didn't even bring it up."

He's pacing.

"Well, go back to Boston then. We both know you have no work to do when you get there."

I cry.

He walks out the door. "Lock the door behind you."

I don't know what to do. At this point I'd missed my ride to the airport. I'm in the mountains with my boss who is mad at me because I don't love him. I'm stuck in the mountains and I don't have a job and I'm not sure if I'll be compensated because my employer, who is in love with me, is not thinking clearly and may not see that I didn't ask for any of this.

I call Carl and he helps me through all of this. I realize I don't feel safe and have to "get out of dodge' as soon as possible and get somewhere where I am in control, at least, of my own safety. I leave my boss a note explaining that I have to feel safe and please take these next few days to understand where I'm coming from. I slip it under his door and leave.

I hitch a ride with someone I barely know to Denver and take a cab from there to the airport to catch the first flight back to Boston.

I just got home a few hours ago. I have not had much time to think about any of this. I know something big just happened, and that my life as I know it (once again) will not be the same.

But something is different. This is hard, but everything will be okay. This is 'el ano fuerte'. It's nothing I can't handle.