6/12/07 - Patience in Playing the Game

How does it work in chess?



I am a very impatient chess player. I tend to spend the time the other player is deliberating mapping out all possible moves and counter-moves so that when my time comes, it takes me less than a few seconds to turn the tables.

About 80% of the time this works for me, the other 20% of the time, something happens that I didn't quite see... because I'm not perfect, and I miss that kind of stuff sometimes.

Other times, I'm so focused on some intended strategy that my impatience turns into anxiety, and then into complete distraction. I am so preoccupied that I accidentally overlook the trap that my opponent has laid out. That's when I get my ass kicked. That happens sometimes, too.

Patience isn't just a virtue. It's a calmness, and a tranquility. It's the stillness in the eye of the storm and what makes the dancing beautiful when you let go of all inhibition.

It's realizing you could save yourself a whole lot of cuts and bruises if you just move with current and let it take you right where you're supposed to be. It's less like gravity, and more like magic- and it will drop the pieces right into place when you least expect it, because it's always happening whether you can see it or not.

Anyone who's played the game, or put their hands on something with the intention of reflecting this beautiful thing inside has gone through the frustration of trying to say what we mean, or show what we see, or make the 'right' decisions.

The thing is, we inherently understand the nature of things, whether you want to call them rules, or laws, constants or truths. We already know that we know the right moves, instinctively, and without thought.

But if you're anything like me, you often get impatient with yourself and your relationship with time, and you start to second-guess yourself, and get distracted.

What I mean to say is, here I am writing about how things are a matter of time, and I know this, but I'm still tapping my foot and looking at my watch. My heart rate is going up, and my anxiety, and I feel held back, if anything by a self-imposed, imaginary standard or deadline.

But waiting isn't just sitting there and expecting something to happen. It's a wonderful time! It's a chance to reflect and look forward, and to calm yourself and know that whatever happens, you'll know how to get through it. It's an opportunity to think, and more importantly, an opportunity to not think at all, and to just 'be'.

I had no idea how important that was. I always think it's so pointless and unimportant, and that I'm not being productive. But when the ball is in the world's court, what could be more productive than tapping into the part of you that is omniscient and happy, because it is in its nature? That part of you ir more than intelligent. That part of you knows.

And here's the game I've been playing-

- my intentions were set. I would do as much preparation as would be necessary to get into HASTES, the humanities program at MIT that seems like it was designed for me. There I would find the resources to put together the project ideas I have outlined with notes and research in my journals, that are footnoted with references to the pieces of papers lodged in my favorite books to outline striking passages. I know what I want to bring into this world. I know where I can find the resources to make these ideas a reality. And now I'm going to gain access to them.

I know if I stay genuine to what I have always been fundamentally passionate about and fascinated with, the pieces will fall into place around me. All I have to do is move with it, and into it. I also know it's not as easy as it sounds to do so... it takes a tremendous amount of discipline and perserverence to be true to yourself.

I must remember: I will not shape myself for this world. There is a metaphorical lock on a metaphorical door to which I am the metaphorical key. An enzyme for which I am a catalyst. In other words, there is somewhere that I fit perfectly, as I am, and without contortion. And if there isn't, I will make that place. I will make it around me.

It is as in the laws of biology and nature, and physics and human perserverence. It is in my nature.

I should not take things so seriously. I should have fun, yes? It's just a game, after all. This life is just an improvisational play with no rehearsal.

So game. Set. And Match.

- Studying for GREs. This isn't as bad as it sounds, it's actually a lot like filling out myspace surveys, only more useful.

- Going to L.A. in August to reconnect with Dr. McClure my neuroscience advisor, and to speak with Alexia's father in hopes that he would like to write my second recommendation. (And not only that, but have lots of fun seeing my friends again, of course!)

- The big Kahuna: getting my foot in the door at MIT. What does it take to get in? I'm not sure yet, but I will- with Patience- and I know there is absolutely NO hurry. But I have to make the first move.

Step 1: Get a job at MIT. This is what I've been trying to do for the past two months. Any job really, I don't care. I just want to familiarize myself with the environment.

I've been sending out countless applications every day to no avail. I knew it wouldn't be easy, but I was getting a little impatient, and subsequently more and more discouraged. I began second-guessing myself, which in any game is the worst thing you can do.

Fortunately today, I just got my first interview: as a research assistant for the Tsai Lab in the Picower Institute for Learning and Memory. At MIT.

I am trying to be calm. Possible counter-moves:

- I don't get the job. That's okay! I got an interview, and that means I can get more! No matter what, I know what feel right at the right time. Endless opportunities will come along as long as I have the patience to stay calm and keep my eyes and ears open and focused.

- I do get the job. Great! It will look nice on my visitor's form when I tour the HASTES PhD program and fill in "I work for YOU." under 'current employment'.

A million other things might happen. I could be steered in a completely different direction. That's okay too, I am ready, because I always have been! I was born to play this game.

And now that I've said all these matter-of-fact-type things, please, wish me luck on this interview... because if I've learned anything at all, it is this: that these intentions have a way of moving molecules. (It's real magic!)