I woke up this morning in a wretched mood for some reason.
Was having one of those narcoleptic sorts of days yesterday where I'd get all revved up like, 'ALRIGHT! Gonna start painting/ cleaning my apartment/ doing my have-to-do's now!" ...and then instead of charging for the paintbrush, or picking shit up, or buying necessaries, I'd charge straight into my bed and pass out. It's like there was me and Productivity, and we were facing off, and I totally faked that bitch out.
So naturally due to my excessive amount of sleep, I woke up at 7:30 this morning without an alarm, got up and had my cereal but it was a disgruntled affair because I had no cigarette (since buying cigarettes was on my list of things I didn't do yesterday). The iPod shuffle gods were dually disappointing too, playing all sort of mushy sad garbledy-gook when all I wanted was some Nirvana or something, and not the sad shit, I mean the 'I wanna fuck you up but I don't care enough" stuff.
I thought maybe since I was deprived of one habit I should pick up another, more productive one so I resolved to read the news each morning, even though I swore off it after listening to NPR so obsessively and I started to have anxiety attacks.
So I go to Yahoo! News (I thought I'd start off with some soft, crappy news) and the headline reads:
"Cheney OK After Afghan Blast; 14 Killed"
What a ray of sunshine. And there's this picture of Dick looking really fucking smug, I mean, check it out:
That look on his face makes you want to suckerpunch the guy even if you didn't know anything about him. If I were making him a latte I'd spit in his drink, and then I'd get someone with something terrible like mouth gonorrhea to spit in his drink, too.
Maybe deciding to pick up the news again when you're having an 'off' morning is a bad idea.
For some reason I continue to scan the 'news' and my eyes are glazing over... 'War... Death..... Wardeath....'
And it's not that I'm apathetic. I just realized after years of freakouts that if I get really upset everytime I find out someone somewhere in the world died, or unfair shit is happening, then I'll look 80 by the time I'm 30 and no lives will have been saved.
Somewhere near the bottom of the fish barrel is this article entitled: "Study: College Students More Narcissistic", which makes me laugh. I always love it when media cites "Studies" (/sarcasm). Because it could have been a study with four stoned guys at a coffee table, or some PhD student with a pen and pencil and one monkey.
Point being, most of the time these sorts of 'puff' studies are statistically inconsequential- psychological studies in particular. If anyone's reading this, just remember that there is no such thing as tangible evidence when evaluating psyche. There are such an unbelievable number of correlated factors that no study of the mind without, for example, neuro-imaging data should ever be considered 'hard evidence'.
All that aside, I still think it's hilarious that someone decided to point out that college students are narcissistic. I mean.... no shit. College is all about building up your confidence, making you think you're learning something useful and that you've got talents that you can use in the real world to make abstract things like 'a living'. You see, this is only half of the lesson you get to learn by having a college education.
The other half is taking your well-educated, critical-thinking ass, slapping a huge debt on you, and nudging you out into the real world. It's here that all your pre-conceived notions of fairness, nobility, philanthropy and idealism get bitchslapped front-and-back when you realize you've got bills to pay, and no one wants to pay you for the things you've learned, at least not for another five or ten years.
In other words, the next few years after college exist so that the ego you've built up in school can be properly pulverized and destroyed. But despair not.
It's my theory (although I am still in the midst of Part II of this educational process) that these two things are required in order to have two things:
- the skills and sense of motivation and ambition necessary to kick ass... eventually.... in the real world, and
- the sense of reality that helps you to visualize and evaluate 'what it takes', compare that with your current values, undergo a little 'value re-evaluation', and then do what needs to be done, whatever that is
Oh and I just thought of another few, which I think are what seperates the rockstars from the groupies, which is:
- really being able to see the reality of who you are, and what you're capable of, and
- developing the courage to be fucking terrified of uncertainty, and still be okay with that.
Yeah. Those are big. I think.
What's the point of all this. I suppose I woke up in a panic this morning for some reason. Are you the kind of person that swears like they've got Tourette's under normal circumstances, and then you're hanging out with your itty bitty grandma and you let a 'fucking cunt shit' slip and you clap your hand over your mouth but the damage is done?
I have fears like this when I'm getting into a relationship, of saying shit I really shouldn't say. Man it makes me nervous.
But I know how it goes. You gotta ask yourself, 'Is it worth the trouble?' and as long as it is, it just is. So fuck yeah, it is.
Besides. My grandmother is super cool, and she wouldn't mind that much. Hopefully Nick is the same way.
Right on. Over and out
-J
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