09/28/2005 - Is There Hope For the Hopeful?

Maybe I just don't know when to give up, and give in, and turn around, and walk away from something. Sometimes that feels better than hope.

I don't think I am letting myself meet my own needs. I have a hard time letting go sometimes.

There is a lingering sadness in me regardless of whether or not I have reasoned it away. It's small, but it's still there. It won't go away. We kill something inside us everyday in order to cope with the trials and tribulations of life... we have to let something go, a sadness, a worry, a pain- in order to go on living our lives in relative sanity.

Have you ever had something, but never really had it? It's almost just painful to know it exists. Because there is a want.. and the want is painful because the barrier between us is the turbulent, unpredictable, broken river called time. And it is so wide. It's going to take a long time to get across it, its full of frightening things. Its currents are so strong there is a good chance I may not make it to the other side. I might get eaten, or drown. I might freeze to death from the cold of it.

And then there's the possibility of reaching the other side... and whatever I wanted is gone. I may be left standing there freezing, injured. soaking wet and cold, and while I was swimming, quickly away from crocodiles, someone may come along and say, "my how wonderful", and it would be gone.

Would you swim? Would you swim anyway, no matter what? Even if you might die, or get injured, or drown in yourself? What if there were a great possibility your treasure didn't even exist anymore? I think there are many stories about this sort of thing.

I always admired the adventurer. Those who suffered, only to open an empty treasure chest, still have gained a treasure- and that is wisdom, hope, love, and a life of risk and adventure. Even if you die, even if everything is gone- you know you tried. You will die knowing that you saw something beautiful, and you did everything you could to be there near it, to experience it and know it.

I might not ever have what I need in life. I might fall into a hole, or onto a hamster wheel. I might always watch my dream out the window from inside a cubicle. I might die today. But I'll never give up. Ever. I will not have that kind of regret in my life.