2004 - Leaving Los Angeles

This was written on one of many trips into the desert when I was in college.

We left Los Angeles like embarrassed men leave whores in the middle of the night, hoping to shed the indiscretions we had for no reason in particular brought upon ourselves. We wanted to go no where, we wanted to see nothing, in no place for a while, but as the lights and the haze disintegrated into the dollhouse fantasy microsystem that it really is, and the true, real darkness revealed to us the beautiful details of this world (because sometimes, it is almost too bright to see...) I realize that wherever there is this absence, well, there it is, and it's really, truly, that thing we've been looking for

The moon is giggling at all of our human silliness and hiding her smile behind the soft, dark sheets of the earth's mountains. Everything is radiant- the world is sparkling like a jewel in the dark, sparkling just for you, reflecting the one and only light in your eye

Sometimes there is so much of something that it is overwhelming. Sometimes it is unpleasant, but this is usually due to a build up of recycled worries and replayed incidents, and you collect your misfortunes in your memories like it is a hobby, and you lose sight of why you even got here, consumed by your collection of broken dreams, your stubborn resistance to transcience, your self doubts.. your self pities.

Even then though, when you have traded all your optimism and hope in order to fuel your habit, there is something to be said about being at the end of your line- naked- cold, and more alone than you ever thought you could be

You get a little taste of what it must have felt like to be born

And the only thing that overwhelms you is the possibility of the next moment, and the infinite gorgeousness of being able to feel something so intensely that you know what the electric shock that brings us to life feels like, over and over again.