5/5/2006 - Taking the Gamble

notes on transitions, change and 'stuff'.

I think the reality of my situation is finally starting to settle in.

I'm going to California in TWO DAYS and I'm not totally sure why.

I woke up just now, it's not yet 8am in Sally's house realizing I should probably have my 'exit interview' at work so that I may officially quit my job before I leave for L.A. for an undetermined amount of time. I will probably leave the apartment I've been living in for the past five months today, as well.

I think I'm starting to feel a little anxious. It's either that, or I have indigestion. Or maybe it is the residual alcohol running through my veins from my (last) time seeing Keegan's band at the Moon.

Either way I have this feeling of being on the verge of something, instead of just feeling stuck- this once very familiar feeling is now foreign and a little intimidating, but something I am more than excited to delve into again.

The Good Dr. Blake (Mr. Philosophy at TCU) asked me last night, 'what if the decision you made leads to a lot of difficulty, hardship and pain?'

I had only somewhat considered this because I feel like an optimistic frame of mind is what keeps the faithful blessed. But in reality I am more pragmatic than that, and I'd thought about it and said 'then I will try to appreciate that experience just as much'.

I have no pre-conceived notions of Fantasyland in L.A. I've spent enough time there to know that most of the time it isn't easy there, and far from perfect- people asked me what I was going to do there and I shrugged. Because I don't fucking know. It could go any direction, and for this, part of me is frightened.

I am indulging in the reckless abandon of my youth... and not completely sure of the path I am taking. It is not the 'responsible' path- that was the path I was on, and unhappy with.

The biggest habit I need to break is my fear of change.

The biggest lesson I need to learn- not to kick myself for placing myself in a gamble, and for wandering in the dark- looking for something more. Not to kick myself if it doesn't turn out perfect, because it never will- and there is no point in kicking yourself when you are already down.

I must remind myself that the life's path I've chosen, and will choose over and over again, will be filled with discomfort, uncertainty, self-doubt and self-reckoning- and that I will constantly encounter the possibility of failure. How's that for your hero archetype, Joe Campbell. You generalist. You so crazy.

I wish I knew why this is the right thing to do. I don't know if it is- I just know that where I was- in that job, in that place in my head- was not where I needed to be. It was like turning a camera on itself- interesting at first, but ultimately providing little further information no matter how time progressed.

The most important things I have learned while being here:

That, while it is lonely at times, I much prefer this life of solitude (without the distraction and wasted time of having a boyfriend)- the deeper rooted meaning of this- how to stand on my own two feet in every way (emotionally, spiritually, individually)- with, of course, the help of good friends at the times when I need it most. I almost want to thank Nick for completely obliterating my trust in men because, other than just breaking my heart, the past year has taught me to rely on myself- and for this, I am eternally grateful to the hands of fate.

I have learned how easy it is to write, everyday, even when I have nothing to say (what the practical application of this is, I don't know- but I feel much more sane and cognizant because of it, and it is arguable that I've become more articulate when I speak as well). It's not about 'blogging' or whether or not people read these things. I write almost every day. For whatever reason, that means a huge deal to me... and doesn't really need to mean anything to anyone else.

Some day though, I am going to create something that will touch your hearts.

And not in that child molester sort of way. A generalized statement reflecting a generalized goal- which, nonetheless, will be met- because I see no other point.

not to self- Blake was right when he said you'd brought up a really good point at the Steve Best lecture (on land ethics and animal rights.. it's been a strange week), but that it could have been better executed. (refer to structure of the previous sentence and current run-on sentence/overuse of parentheticals and sentence fragments for example... what kind of editor could I possibly be?). All this writing is thoughtful but lacks any semblance of organizational structure. I always look at it and think to myself, 'this is how it came out just now, i will organize it later' and i just realized that i approach pretty much everything in my life this way, and that it never gets organized. so step two. learn to organize your statements and choose your words carefully. The thinking part is alright. Now represent your thoughts in a way that does justice to the effort put forth when formulating them. More generally: Josephine, learn how to organize your life. You will be so much happier once you know where everything is.