5/30/2007 - Personal Growth, or Sunstroke?

Something's gotta give. I've decided it's going to be me, and I'm going to do it with all the determination it requires! The last time I felt like this was when I decided to major in neuroscience, not only for my love of it, but to prove to myself that I could do it, that I was capable enough, and intelligent enough to double major in disparate fields.

Now, at the tail end of the chaos that is my higher education, I've decided to tackle this last class with all the passion I had when I took my first neuroscience class. Even if it is just a two unit statistics requirement, and even though I have already been working in the field for over a year.

Today I had to make a difficult decision: choosing between two good things. Showing the Catfish Whiskey boys around Los Angeles was a blast- I stood in the Pacific Ocean as the sun was setting and let the waves crash against my legs and wet the hem of my dress. I wet my hair with the water and let the salt encrust itself in it, making it stand on end as if I were a crazed beast emerged from the sea.

Kate graciously offered her porch to them for a night's rest... and what a porch it was. a huge porch overlooking all of Los Angeles, wide and green under the Hollywood sign. We cooked a deliciously spicy curry and laughed and talked. It was good to see those crazy Texans again.

Their tour leads them up through Seattle, and I was asked if I wanted to come along. I had to think hard about it. My heart wanted to continue wandering, and the thought of riding in a big giant blue bus with a bunch of rowdy Texan hippies up to Santa Cruz and San Francisco, through Oregon and meeting up with Greg in Seattle to pitch a tent among mountains and brew coffee in Twisp was so tempting. It sounded like an adventure to me, and I quite seriously considered packing up my few belongings an hopping onto the bus right then, off to who-knows-where.

I often think about the paths I have chosen not to take. I suppose this will be one of them. Because as much as I love to run off on an adventure, I have found my love, and my love is this book. I would like to go to grad school and work on the book as soon as possible. And in order to do that I need to finish school and officially get my degree.

I spent the day sitting under the sun and sweating everything negative out of my pores. I feel cleansed now, as if I know exactly what I need to do. There was so much indecision inside of me. I feel suddenly awake, and ready to focus. I feel a sense of responsibility, without feeling a sense of old-ness. I have a purpose, and it is a good purpose.

I'm ready.