The weather is getting really warm and I'd forgotten how much I missed the sun.
When I drive home from work I roll all the windows down and open my sunroof to let the sun pour in. The breeze smells like early spring pollen and transcience. Because weather like this is transient in Texas. Fifteen minutes of every day I can pretend I'm driving to the beach like I used to do almost every day when I lived in California. My skin is starting to turn brown from lounging in the sun every weekend with the guitar and the Ollie.
The summer is coming and I want to be outside every second. I've got the itchy foot. i've got it like an epidemic in every cell of my body.
I just finished watching some sort of Jacques Cousteau (or some progeny thereof) documentary on the PBS. They were on Midway Island, helping a bunch of twenty-something year-old volunteers gather old fishnet trash from the corral reefs and putting them into piles on the beach where they can just look ugly instead of killing fish. In the television they held onto planks of wood and got dragged through the ocean looking for nets. They were being dragged but they looked like they were flying, it was beautiful. I could feel their adrenaline. When they saw a net they'd let go and drop off into the water, sinking and start cutting away at the nets. It was like treasure hunting. I cried a little because I wanted so badly to be a twenty-something year-old fishnet gatherer in the ocean on and island. But instead I've found myself wearing a labcoat and killing things, and not saving them.
Amanda is in Hawaii farming now. Rob is about to take a Great Roadtrip Adventure. Hearing all these stories makes me think back on the adventures I've had in my life. I'm not done. I'm not done! I am so hungry to be free. I don't want to be the person that makes fantastic plans and never follows through on them. I don't.
On that note I propose another idea, and not really a plan (yet). It is somewhat linear. My job ends in June which is fantastic. I would like to go to L.A. for a while and face my past and transform it into my present. Then I would like to fly onward to Hawaii and visit Amanda on the farm. Then I would like to fly onward to the Philippines to see my beloved grandparents and to wander alone on an island.
My dream is to find a job mending huts or canoeing people to caves in exchange for food and a place to sleep. I want to be able to sleep in the sand on the beach. I want my skin to turn a deep brown like a Filipino girl should be. Most of all I want to see the blue blue water and the white white sand. I want to face my fear of the Pacific. I want my year of solitude to climax into a finale of Suddenly Finding Myself in Paradise.
I know I'm idealizing it. I know it won't be this way. But I know it will certainly be something. And I would like some thing. I dream too much. This is the time in my life to make these dreams come true, or else I will wake up and my reality will be dull and grey. I'm going to take a night drive now, and have a thought. I want to watch people walking. Where do people walk, here.
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