5/14/2006 - Fate, Balance, Happenstance

tricked you. you thought this post was going to be 'deep', didn't you?

I am laughing in bemusement at the fact that I spent about an hour meticulously articulating my thoughts in a blog yesterday to explain what's been going through my head. It had to do with things like the things named in the title of this one. It was totally 'deep'.

Where is it, you say? That is a good question. I must have not clicked 'post'. So it has been transformed from non-matter into non-matter along with all the other digital trash. Can we be wasteful with our cyber space? Where are all the time-space fills? I would like to go dumpster diving in all the digital trash. I might find years of writing there. And then what.

It has been strange here, but I guess it always is. L.A. always leaves your stomach slightly upset, and puts your soul's energy slightly off balance, so you feel like you have to sort of stumble around like a fool, to keep that marble on top of that chopstick (you catch my drift?)

The nice part is the momentum and the energy of it. The hard part is the creeping notion in the back of your skull that you're a dancing dog in a tutu at a circus with many players, but no audience.

That metaphor was certainly exaggerated. I exaggerate a lot when I am here.

Last night I watched a homeless man selling flowers in downtown L.A. get shoved in front of a moving car by the bouncer in front of an art gallery full of 'hip, urban artists' (majority origin: middle-class suburbia and comfortable upbringing). I was at the Hive Gallery watching my friend Christopher Robin, who lives there, do some live painting. There was a scuffle and a lot of commotion and a pretty little white girl tried to stop the fighting between these two large angry Black men.

I didn't want to come to any conclusions about it, or think about Truth. I just wanted to leave, so I did. Mike's Droogmobile broke down about a block from where we parked. Zombie Jon took me to Adam's where I arm-swilled a handle of Jim Beam all night before taking a valium and passing out. I don't know if this is productive or not. I'm pretty sure it's not.

Today I'm hitching a ride to Venice Beach to wander around in solitude. Now I feel like it's been a while since I've been alone. I am frustrating myself trying to find a balance between solitude and socialization. Trying to find a balance. Trying to build a balance. I think Austin will be good for me. It's very hard to be/want to be alone in this city.

Don't get me wrong, I love L.A., and I love to see my friends and spend time with them. They are the most wonderful, mythological creatures. This is a wonderful, mythological place.

But I have this habit, wherever I am, of wanting to be somewhere else. To go go go

I can't tell if it's pathological or not, or if I'm just young and confused. I'm also not sure what the difference is. Anyway I should go. I have this old friend to visit, it's name is the Ocean.