I woke up this morning, ate a chicken strip and it struck me-
'Whatever dude, it's just a fucking breakup.'
I am thinking to myself, sounding quite trite now that I step back.
YESSSSSS. At an almost certain risk of relapsing into some form of self-pity at some point in the not too distant future.... dare I say? I am generally 'over it'.
It feels like 'from now on' but I know I can only speak for the present moment. There is a lot of potential energy in me and you and everyone we know. Why am I spending it grieving over the past? Good lord! There's so much more, there's this moment, there's the future!
Last night was spent playing insanely small instruments with Celeste and Ollie and Rob on the ukelele, mandolin and melodica respectively. Me turning my fingers purple on my little Martin.
The guitar used to belong to the ex, but I can't imagine I'll be seeing him again, or at least for a very long time so meanwhile I'll love it like it's mine.
Played until fingers couldn't play anymore. Smoked spliffs. Played XBox. The night was going slowly and I told Celeste, 'something amazing is going to happen tonight'.
You might think this is a lofty goal and too much pressure for 12:38am on a Saturday night. But to be honest, amazing things are happening around us and to us all the time- open your eyes and your heart, and it's hard to miss.
Went to the Cellar for a shot or two of whiskey. Met up with some people. Yesterday was slow, so very viscous.
Someone hears wind of a party. We shuffle towards for lack of anything better to do. Walking to the car, Jeremy, the coffee shop guy pokes his head out of Panther City to Say Hey. I'm happy to see him, he's young (Amanda's little brother's friend) but he's good peoples and good to talk to.
The guy is spending the night in the coffee shoppe alone. little iPod plugged in. Big handle of whiskey. The three of us talk about the future on frayed couches, while looking out onto the world. We watch the people go about their business from the comfort of our dark, warm, closed coffee shoppe. Everything is old and beautiful and has the faint smell of cigarettes. I am drinking Dr. Pepper and whiskey and realizing that I have had a truly flavorful, adventurous time in the past few months- for better or worse, with the worst part of it only masking itself as misfortune.
We climb up to the roof just prior to 2am to watch the streets flood as the bars close. It is an amazing catastrophe of caucophony down there. I love to be on the rooftops with the rough tar under my feet. I love the smell of it. I love to see the tops of people's heads. I love the change in perspective.
I have not been on a rooftop since I left L.A. that I can remember. It is just as nice in Texas. Nothing is stagnant here like the myth in my head. It is a new playground. It's all around me.
All of it is amazing, in different clothing. In Texan clothing. I drank too much whiskey and got a little whirly later that night. Celeste drove through so that I could get chicken strips, which I found sitting next to me untouched this morning.
I have memories of my 21st birthday at Cole's, in downtown L.A. surrounded by good company and listening to my favorite bluegrass band. Cole's glows the way you could imagine Nothing would glow. In neon black and green and orange, like glass rolled into treasure and washed up on the beach. The history of Los Angeles sleeps on it's old wooden shoulders, but they are strong and thick and will never break. We climbed upon the roof of the 6th street lofts across the way... Leslie and I floating disembodied on 20 story ledges, heads hanging over, feeling the pull of the earth in our cheeks.
The city is burning orange and the lights go on forever in every direction except West.
Rounds of whiskey all night long had kept me warm in December and Nick's brother's designated driving kept us alive.
My last birthday request- chicken strips.
Falling all over the place in the back seat, laughing, trying to explain in my inebriation how imperative it was that chicken strips should come into my possession.
Woke up the next morning with a bag of untouched chicken strips and an intense hangover.
These eery parallel universes fill me with absurd elation. I'm swimming through life and every experience is a molecule touching my skin as I float past.
4 comments:
reading this, i found visions brought forth from memories from events lost on purpose...
The vision was a beach of a perfect dark blue cloudless night sky overlooking the beach. Perhaps it was just the linkage my conscious mind made to a specific memory from which the vision could have theoretically taken place, made me think i wish i had forgotten that event.
anyway, i'm glad you helped me find something i had thought i had lost, regardless of the pain that surrounds it.
this particular vision revealed itself after reading this line:
"I have memories of my 21st birthday at Cole's, in downtown L.A. surrounded by good company and listening to my favorite bluegrass band. Cole's glows the way you could imagine Nothing would glow"
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