4/25/2006 - Hormones

hormones are a strange thing.

this wave of 'something' has hit me like an air train. I wouldn't call it depression... while loosely defined, it would classify as such- I'd rather call it a sudden sense of 'lack of motivation'.

I had the hardest time getting out of bed since I was in college. I woke up and watched the minutes go by on my clock and didn't care. I didn't even care that I was an hour and a half late to work. On my drive to work, a cloud hung over my head weighing me down (the thought occurred to me that this 'cloud' is probably just a headache... it is). On a lighter note, the weather today is my favorite weather- slightly misty and cool, with a breeze and overcast clouds that mute the colors of the day. Reminds me of early mornings in Napa Valley growing up, 7am time-to-go-to-school. It was uplifting, in a temporary nostalgic sort of way. Either way it felt fantastic.

I go through these brief periods of inexplicable (grief?) bad moods where I feel far away from myself, watching myself from outside experiencing things that appear to be beyond my control. This pretty much pisses me off, especially in lieu of the fact that I give anyone shit who says things like, "I can't help it" or "I can't do anything about it". The truth being, as I realize now and again in these ruts, that there's not a whole lot you can do at the time- except be conscious that these things pass with time. This I know, and believe.

The mysteriousness of it lies in the fact that not a whole lot in particular has changed about my situation. The sudden shift in perspective comes as just as much of a surprise to me as it does to anyone around me. It's baffling. I like to take the high road and blame it on hormones.

Since these times are cyclical, and come and go with the tides (and the moon), it seems logical. Furthermore, during the brief time that I attempted to take birth control, I had the chance to see what it was like to truly observe the jarring effects of a sudden high concentration of these little lipid-based bastards. The uncontrollable crying freaked the shit out of me, especially since I knew I wasn't even sad or upset about anything. I found myself trying to come up with explanations for the crying, but it doesn't work that way- if you're crying for a reason, you should know exactly what that reason is.

So yeah, hormones. It's awfully strange, the lack of motivation thing. I feel pretty dysfunctional, but terribly sentient at the same time. Oh, to be a woman.

I've been e-mailing my Lolo (my grandfather, for you non-Filipinos) back and forth about going to the Philippines, and when is the best time. He wants me to come right away, and I am thinking about it. Now more than ever I would like to get away and disappear. I would like to make my personal myth rich with detail- a story worth telling. Will recommended me Campbell (that mythologist-refer to previous blog) a while back and it seems to be exactly what I need to read right now. It is along the grain of how I feel anyway- talking on the phone with Alexia:

Alexia: "What do you want out of life, Josephine?"

Me: "I want to live a life worth telling."

It's always been this way. I don't know why, but it's true.