5/9/2006 - Not Quite Awake

I haven't been here 24 hours yet and I feel like I'm dreaming.

I keep trying to explain to myself how I feel but it's far, far too overwhelming to put into words this early on. I won't really try, all I'll say is I can't stop smiling.

And it's not even that a whole lot has changed in my head, even though (pretty much overnight) everything, EVERYTHING has changed in my life. Bjorn picked me up from the airport and we rolled a spliff and drove around L.A. in his white convertible at 2 in the morning. We went from the airport up north through Venice Beach and santa monica, and then across through hollywood, through koreatown and thai town, echo park and silverlake and ended up at a ramen place in little tokyo around 4 in the morning, eating noodles and catching up. I love that there is always something to do, even at four in the morning.

I have not been away so long that the place feels unfamiliar. Driving through the city I can still give directions and point out good places to eat and shop. Everything looks and smells the same, familiar. I thought it would be hard to come back to my old house (memories of the ex), but it's just different enough to fend off memories, just the same enough to still feel like home. I love the smell of this house. I'm sitting on my old bed (now Bjorn's) in my old room (also now Bjorn's... she owned it first!) as I type this. This room has the best energy of any place in the world. It's the only place I have ever felt at home.

I said hello to the palm trees and the ocean. L.A. still smells bad and is noisy, and I still love all of it. I had a very strong feeling, smoking a cigarette on the porch, that I had never even left. There are new plants on the porch, Sonya has been taking good care of them- there are new cacti and flowers. My old bamboo windchimes and wooden twirly things are still hanging from the roof. My paintings are up around the house, and my old furniture and other little remnants from when I lived here. Chin-Chin, my kitten is now the House Cat and not a kitten at all anymore, but a chubby, happy beautiful creature with the same bitchin' personality. His alter-ego is Ninja Fur. Don't cross the Ninja Fur.

It feels SO GOOD to be home. God. I can't even explain.

Breakfast this morning at the Pantry with Chrisrobin and Bjorn. I couldn't stop smiling. I was close to catatonic with appreciation. The pancakes were delicious as usual and the post-Pantry condition will probably have me farting all day but it was worth it. So freaking happy to see old friends.

I feel lucky to stay in my old house. Even though many things have changed since I've left it helps me to feel grounded for the first time in a very very very long time. Tonight I hang out with Toben at the Cinespace to see Pony Up, the band he is making a music video for right now. I will be helping with puppeteering! Saturday I get to do some live mural painting with Chrisrobin and Mike at the Hive. Late this week I hope to meet up with Katie to discuss journalistic things, definitive literature on our generation and catching up with old friends. I've got a lot of people to catch up with.. I can't wait! Bjorn was right when she said today that "You don't make things happen in L.A., things happen to you in L.A."

I've gotten a few "What are you doing here?"'s so far and replied with a few "I don't know"'s already. This will probably continue to happen, and that's okay too. Bjorn says I'm a nomad and I guess she's right. Well that's about it for now. This is my first blog ever written in California! Neat. see this is why I never blogged here. Just too much.