I just got my official flight itinerary for Maui this morning: I leave on Tuesday at 8:50am and arrive in Kahului, Maui at 11am. Five hour flight... over the Pacific Ocean... there are many thoughts to be had while coasting over a literal sea of blue.
I drew a portrait of Peggy yesterday on Kate's magnificent porch, that overlooks all of Los Angeles, including the Hollywood sign and the Griffith Park Observatory. As I was drawing her she asked if she could read from my journal out loud, and I said sure, why not. It's really interesting to hear painful things come out of someone else's mouth... your darkest, most embarrassing moments... those moments spent pining over lost loves. She'd read things about Chris that I'd forgotten about, because I always skip those pages when I look through my journal.
She read everything out loud from the break-up with Chris, to the high points in my relationship with Nick, and then she read the passage Nick had written me, which I had refused to read for the past six months, but now suddenly came at me from the lips of a third party:
"...And even if things don't work out between us, know that I love you, beyond any day to day drama- I love you for your thoughtfulness, your honesty, your warmth, your humor- once in a while you take a step back and think about the people you've been lucky to meet and- yeah- you're good people- I'm so glad to have gotten to know you."
Ah me. Love is a funny, funny thing. It holds hands with bitterness and jealousy, and is a distant cousin of friendship... the kind you only see at family reunions (if you're into that sort of thing). Anyway, enough about that, because history is only one thing.
Point being, Peggy had re-awakened me to the sacredness of my leatherbound journal, which has become for me, an icon of love manifested, lost, and grown into other things. I am so happy to bring it with me to Maui.
My mom is afraid I am making a stupid, rash decision. She is probably right, but I can't help but make it, just like a child can't help when their feet grow, and a recent college graduate can't ignore the cruel realities of this world, and just like I can't help but be awed by all of it... genuinely awed... cripplingly awed.
Selling portraits didn't go as well as planned today. I am pretty rusty, and my performance anxiety got the best of me. I did meet a beautiful group of people today who let me draw all of their portraits, and one girl gave me a pink bracelet she'd brought back from Mexico and tied to my wrist- I am proud to take it with me to Maui, and may it stay with me the way my necklace had, for so many years to remind me of this beautiful time in my life.
My mind is a buzz. Am I really going to an island paradise in three days? My mom is afraid of the post-adventure blues that she thinks I will succumb to when this is all over... but I think after nine months of bunny-killing, going home will be a treat too, provided I do not have to kill bunnies. Because I like Texas, and the people I met there, too.
Babble babble babble. I'm going to take a nap and then celebrate Karen's birthday by dancing around to ragga-dub in a warehouse downtown later tonight.
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