11/08/06 - Rambling Stream

I thought I would write because my mind has been feeling oddly bogged down lately and I've been feeling a little manic with regard to my mood. I'm fully aware that it's just PMS, but I thought it would put my mind at ease a little bit to just get some thoughts out and provide my brain with whatever relief that might give me.

Everything I write starts with some sentence that won't get out of my head, which in turn instigates a domino effect of toppling thoughts, most of which are useless; but while writing can sometimes fulfill the role of opulent, eloquent word-poetry, sometimes it's just a big dump. A big mess. Like my room.

At work it's like I'm juggling a thousand balls in spite of the fact that I don't know how to juggle. I feel like it's that split second that an unseasoned fan of dancing strikes a perfect pose that makes you think they've been practicing with calculated precision straight out of the womb. Of course this all happens right before she crashes to the ground in a tangled mess of limbs, kind of like an airplane that flies really well, but has no landing gear.

And there I did it. I used a metaphor to illustrate a metaphor. Where was I going with all this...

I am surprised that I have not fucked up more royally at my job (yet). At the same time I keep thinking about the growing plant in my nightmare, how it could cause so much damage, but slowly, and growing. I think that's what kind of a fuck-up I am. A gradual fuck-up.

I come home and my room is a mess, it's untended, and disorganized. There are clothes everywhere and I still haven't put decorations up on my wall. I don't know if I ever will... and I feel like my disorganized nature is staring me in the face everywhere I go- and it's terrifying to me that my job is to be organized... because it's just not one of those things that come naturally to me. I'm far too distracted.

And dealing with money- I lack a certain common sense that most people have with regard to this. What I'm trying to say is, this whole situation is revealing to me my flaws, and I'm glad, because things were appearing to be too perfect for a while and I was starting to feel kind of invincible, and that's not a natural way of going about things. That's not human.

I'm supposed to be working right now. I was supposed to work today, actually... but I woke up late for a conference call, and it was rainy and cold, and I was in my pajamas and with this strange looming sense of dread that I'm trying to articulate right now, and I just didn't go to work. I didn't want to leave my bed.

Mike says that it's because I can't accept the fantastic nature of this situation, and so subconsciously I'm trying to sabotage it. There's some truth to that, I guess. I thought my boss was pissed I didn't come to work today but he called to see if I was doing okay and then told me he called payroll to arrange for me to get paid earlier (this Friday), which was nice of him.

the truth?

I have more responsibility on my shoulders than I have ever had in my whole life. And it's fucking terrifying.

It's great to talk to John because every once in a while in between telling me about hilarious shit, sending me music and recommending me music and books he provides me with these little jewels of insight which are always surprisingly golden nestled in his usual outpourings of media glutton regurgitation. I was telling him I fucked up for the first time today at work, and that I feel crappy about it and he said,

'No doubt it's hard, but when that happens just take it for what it is and then clear it out of your mind. If it is something that needs changing, it'll just happen naturally and easily.'

And maybe that's no different from what anyone else would say. But I suppose after years of kind of looking up to him I still am somewhat of a fan.

You know that Spiderman quote, 'with great power comes great responisibility'? I wonder which ancient chinese philosopher came up with that first. Eh who cares. If you can find brilliance in a comic book, you can find it anywhere, and on accident. It's like an easter egg hunt.

I have these big dreams, but I find myself exhausted of describing them. I think I'm going to visit Leslie in Maine next weekend. The only thing is, she's up there with Aaron, Nick's brother and I kind of wanted to avoid that... but Leslie said 'maybe hanging out with Aaron will help you patch things up in your head' and I'm thinking, it's not my head that needs patching up... but sometime earlier this week I was leading a guided meditation and was doing the forgiveness meditation, which is this:

once you have brought yourself to meditative state you create this environment with your imagination of your most favorite comfortable place, and you sit and enjoy it, and then you bring sort of your worst enemy/ person that has hurt you the most/ person you just cannot forgive into the space. If you find it difficult, you bring your guardian angel, who is kind of whoever brings you comfort and support. The whole thing is visualizing sending love and forgiveness to the person, and wishing them a happy life, no matter how much the initial tendency is to do otherwise. If you find you can't do it alone, you call on your guardian, or some higher power to send the love through you. It's a nice feeling.

Anyway most of the time I do this meditation Nick is sitting across from me, and it never really works. I always kind of clam up, or my mind goes into it's usual spiral cycles when I think of that whole painful mess and I kind of just shut down, or think of something else. But this time something really special happened, where there I was, kickin' it with my guardian, when I became aware of the fact that the guardian was in my head and my thoughts, and so was the Nick in my visualization.

And there was this overwhelming sense of clarity, like it had been a blurry dream before and now it was crystal clear as if I had just opened my eyes in the room I was meditating in. The conversation was concise and real, and my guardian (me), she just knew everything. She really did. I felt like I could ask her anything, and there she was like an always-available friend, to answer any question I had.

And I had this feeling like beating the shit out of Nick, my enemy. This happens a lot when you're frustrated or have been hurt. But when I reached my fist out, she took it, and opened my hand and made it to caress his face lovingly, and I was disgusted and mad that she was making me do this, but at the same time the love I felt (her love) was genuine and I sort of broke down and cried in resignation at all of it (in my vision).

I think maybe it was the first time that meditation actually led me to some realization.

So maybe when I hang it with Leslie it won't be so bad. Surely I don't much want to see aaron, or anything that has to do with any of that... my life has moved on completely from that and it is natural to avoid painful reminders. But at the same time I take the vision and Leslie's invitation as a sign, that maybe something about the trip will release me from whatever it is that is holding me back.