I used to think that constantly questioning everything around you... other belief systems, the belief systems you relate to... your own belief systems and everything you identify with- signified a total lack of faith, perpetual disorientation, and excruciating, overwhelming insecurity. You could find yourself lonely. Who do you identify with if you can't even identify yourself?
In a way this is true. But Truth is what I'm talking about here.
I'm asking questions. I'm never sure. I'm told I never give a direct answer. I'm told my opinion is elusive. I suppose in some form or sense, this is true, too.
But it's strange... even though I'm never really sure about anything at all... I've never felt more sure of myself.
What happens when the ground is taken out from underneath you? What happens when you realize you'll never know if up is really up, or down is really down? When you realize your grip on this world is asymptotic in nature, moving moving, closer closer... and never ever touching the surface of 'the way things really, actually are'?
I'm skimming the surface of that thing with no words. But I'm not even sure about that.
What kind of courage does it take to really, truly question yourself? It takes the biggest kind. You can feel it in your chest. Or what may or may not be your soul.
Do I have it? I don't know.
What does it feel like... I think it feels like that moment you're standing at the top of a cliff and the earth crumbles beneath you and time stops just long enough for you to be aware that there's nothing to grab hold of.
What then, though, in that moment. What do you feel. What's the one thing you've got.
Think about that moment and what it might feel like. To me, it would feel like true freedom. It would feel like I were a sun that is just going to shine. It would feel like I were an atom just being an atom. I would feel like a person just falling.
It would feel like being.
What do you have left when you haven't even got your beliefs?
You have you. You just have you. And it feels like everything.
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