3/6/07 - Nightmare Vision

I had a dream the other night that felt a lot like the vision I had during my ayahuasca journey, in that it felt like a message was being brought to me in the form of a very vivid and intense scenario.

I mean. I guess that's what a 'vision' is, technically.

This one is recurring... I don't remember details exactly at this point but I thought it was worth noting.

I was in a room with a lover, and friends sitting on the floor and smoking a cigarette. I little girl comes in and I feel ashamed for smoking in front of her so I motion to put it out.

In this particular scenario My mom comes into the room and is very angry with me. She pulls out a blue shoe and makes a motion to hit me but I kick a table in between us and tell everyone to 'get the fuck out of the room'. I don't want them to see me get beaten.

A fight proceeds, and it is mostly defensive on my part... I am being kicked and slapped and hit and hit with the shoe, and I'm trying to push her away.... I'm not really getting badly hurt, but it is definitely a very negative situation-

There's lots of anger and crying and screaming. I'm getting my ass beat, basically. I don't feel as if I'd done anything to deserve it.

Just when it gets really bad I feel really hot and sweaty and exhausted and sad and angry and all these things combined.

And then something happens like fingers snapping and my mom and I are in the same room, only it's got this golden feeling to it, all iridescent and full of gorgeous flowers and gardens. It's really really beautiful, and my mom looks at me with so much love in her eyes and she says 'It's so beautiful, and you're so beautiful and I love you so much'. And then she hugs me.

And it feels nice, but I'm confused. I feel exhausted because I suddenly get the distinct feeling that this exact thing has happened over and over and over again, where I get beaten to a pulp and then, like fingers snapping, everything is more than okay. It makes me so tired.

I look at her and I ask her, "Why does this keep happening?"

I really had this heavy feeling, like a million years of being beaten and then everything being beautiful like it was never horrible. It feels heavy, and not quite right. It feels completely confusing and deceiving.

I can't remember if my mom answered my question. I don't think she did, I think I just started crying, because I couldn't understand about being beaten over and over again and then suddenly everything being okay over and over again. I was overwhelmed with the wrongness of it and I just couldn't stop crying. Apparently I must have been crying in real life because Nick told me I'd been sobbing in my sleep pretty much all night and he was worried.

Now that I write it down it makes sense to me. It's a hard thing to put into words and it has no answer or wisdom to it. It really makes me relate to the child in me, though.

It makes me see my perspective for what it is. I think I realize there's a lot more to it than I am currently aware of. I hope I can see past it some day.