7/1/07 - Restless

2:30am.

Everything is beautiful. I am in love, and someday I'll be a Real DJ. But I still can't sleep.

I feel restless as hell, and I'm not sure what to do.... restless isn't even the word, really.

I quit my job in February. It's almost July now, and I'm still unemployed. Am I looking for a job? Sort of. Why am I not trying as hard as I should be? I don't know.

It's mostly because I don't really want one, to be honest. Chris asked me what I do with all of the time on my hands, when we got together on Friday to tag team some dubstep.

"Honestly?" I said, "I have no fucking clue."

I play records. Lately, I've been playing a lot of Guitar Hero at Nick's. I spend a lot of my energy constantly battling a lingering feeling of worthlessness/ usefulness. I feel left behind in the wake of the adventure that was my life for a while.

I don't know why I feel this way. You could say I'm not looking at it the right way, and you're probably right. It's confusing, because I'm learning how to DJ and I am spending a lot of my time with someone I love and respect, and feel truly happy with... but at the same time I can honestly say I don't know if I feel that way about myself, most of the time.

And I always said, how can you love someone else if you don't love yourself. So what does it mean. It means I'm confused.

I feel like I have to do something drastic. I think about cutting all my hair off sometimes, but to be honest, I want to do something more drastic. I think about Maui more than I think about cutting my hair off. I miss it so much but you can only go forward, you can't go back. I know going to Maui won't change how I feel about myself, or fix anything.

I need to be shaken, is all. At least, that's what I think I need.

I don't know what it is in my head that makes me think the world is like quicksand, and if I stay still long enough, I start to sink. But that's how I feel anyway. Gosh, I have so much to learn.

I thought I was ready to learn about staying still but now I'm not so sure. I'm not even sure if running off is the answer, either. So what do you call the space in between staying still and running off?

It's excruciating and tense. It's full of anxiety and indecisiveness, and ultimately insecurity and it makes me so frustrated with myself. But something's gotta give. I've either got to get past this phase and shape up, get a job and get comfortable with staying still here in Boston...

... or I need to get the hell out... and I just don't know what to do. I've spent the past nine months trying to be comfortable staying still. But it just doesn't seem to be working. I feel so much that I'm not interacting with the world out there. I know it doesn't have to be that way, and that my level of interaction is in my hands to wield... I know I could do it...

... but it's like I'm paralyzed. At the end of the night I have very few answers... but a few things I'm sure of....

... on the mornings when I wake up and see this person sleeping next to me, it really makes me smile inside and out. I love him so much.

... and... although I still don't know whether or not to stay still or go, I need to go temporarily. I need to get out of myself and this place and I need a break. I need more than just cutting all my hair off, although that might help too. This I know.

Maybe you can understand why I can't sleep, who ever's reading this. I know it has to do with a very special love, an uncertainty in direction, and a reluctance to let go of my tendency to wander.

I don't want to break his heart. I love him so much. I want him to know that if I go, I want to come back to him, but I couldn't expect him to understand that. I guess it boils down to fear, as usual.

This one doesn't have a point, or a moral. I just thought I would try and be honest about things to myself, and see what comes up. No answers. Just truth.