6/20/07 - Under Breath Laugh-Rant

I woke up and I felt really riled up for some reason, which is strange, because I hate it when people are riled up around me.

I can see the pressure building, they get all huffed and puffed and I'm thinking "Oh my god, dude, man... chill." A bead of sweat rolls down my forehead.

But here I am, anyway. I'm shrugging off the rest of the world like it's snow noise and I'm trying to hear what my brain is saying.

You might not know this, but I hate talking about spirituality. I hate talking about buddhism and consciousness and the New Human and 2012. I hate everything I say about it, and everything I read about it, because it's all language to me, it's all just words.

It's like I just realized where all this damn pain is coming from. Since the moment I started writing the way that I do now- I was in so much pain because I couldn't say, because I couldn't speak, I was talking about the importance of connection, and saying what we mean- but it's like I just figured it out-

- it will never happen. We will NEVER say what we mean because 'saying' and 'meaning' are two completely, completely different things.

I hate Eckhart Tolle. Someone put an audiobook of his onto my iPod and I cringe every time it comes on. Some sort of new age chime goes off and I know that chapter 1200 of the Power of Now is about to be 'fa-fa'-ed into my ears by the most self-righteous voice I've ever heard. I hate it when people talk like that. It makes me think of that Ian guy in High Fidelity.

I know I'm using the word 'hate' a lot. You might even logically conclude that I am being curiously 'hateful'. Don't worry. 'Hate' is not the right word. I am just lazy.

I hate talking about buddhism, or higher-powers, or the power within. I know this seems really backwards. If you read any of my blogs this is what I'm talking about, right? It's okay. You can call me a hypocrite, it will only make me feel more human.

Here's the thing I'm getting at, and you know, I know I am right, but my words are most likely wrong- is that whatever these people have to tell you about being ego-less isn't something they have to teach you that you don't already know.

We are each others' golden calves, and that's dangerous...

.... and I think people that write about being without ego have created a whole mass of people who secretly hate themselves for not being enlightened enough. That is silly as shit.

It's all just language, you see me? Someone at some point said 'you are not your ego', and found it to be true, but then people's ears and brains decided that the ego was a bad thing and wrote about it in such a way. Just because you are not your ego does not mean it isn't a part of you, though, right? And it's simplistic and retarded to call a human good or bad. We are not storybook characters or allegorical figures. We are humans... of course you have an ego, or you wouldn't be you. How does the saying go? 'Who is it who knows there is no ego?'

I know but I won't [can't] say. All of this is just play.

Eckhart Tolle speaks for cavemen everywhere when he says the flower was the first thing cavemen found valuable without needing it to survive-

For me, it was the George Foreman lean-mean-fat-reducing-grilling-machine. Mine was blue.

And I'm not even saying 'I'm right and they're wrong.' We're not talking about right and wrong.... that is completely irrelevent. What I am saying is, how about this. And this is just a game...

... how about you are the George Foreman lean-mean-fat-reducing-grilling-machine? How about, you are totally pointless, but pretty neat anyway, like a flower or an electric grill with a drip tray?

Anyway sorry about dissing on Eckhart Tolle. I'm sure he was pretty cool guy, and I'm sure 2012 will be super exciting too. But It's strange, I may be riled up, and I may come off as jaded and disbelieving, but-

- and I say this with honesty, which is undeniably shiny- I have never been happier. I feel so full.

'Full''s not the word. But you know. If I start saying shit like 'I feel so ___' then you might as well just replace every letter in this blog with ______________.