12/27/06 - better*

this part of the year always makes me feel a little funny in my stomach.

i never really know where it's coming from... i don't know if it comes from memories of a break-up, or the memory of the break-up before that one.

i don't know if the feeling in my stomach is anxiety or anticipation for the new year. i can't tell if i'm making a huge mistake or not. i'm never sure why i even care.

but let me be frank, and not vague. torn apart is what i feel. torn apart as if that's the only way i could possibly be in this moment.

i want to go to the jungles of mexico with my best friend. but i want to learn about money, see my family, and not spend four days of my week off from my very hard job commuting on a bus, only to hurry back to texas, hop on a plane, take the three hour commute to randolph straight back to work, and then move to a new apartment that weekend.

i want to forget about nick. but one year ago today he broke my heart into a million little pieces and it doesn't matter how much i hate him, or don't hate him, or try to forget. it still happened one year ago today and I'm still healing.

i looked through my pictures from maui for the first time since i left and my heart soared and broke for all the adventures i had this year... i looked so happy, and not tired. i was really, so very happy. now i am happy, but it drains me. i hate that i count my days of freedom. i hate it more than i can explain. but i have committed myself to this job, this...job...

... i want to cry. i don't want to feel bound, by anything, or anyone. but I do. and by everything. maybe it's just the holidays.. it's just the holidays, right?

my dear high school sweetheart john sent me a long letter today. he is broken hearted about the first girl he's loved since me, five years ago. she's left him to run off and get married. he feels like i'm the only one he can talk to about this, and maybe he's right. i will always listen to him. my heart hurts for him. i don't know how to explain this feeling.

i want nothing more than for him to be happy... and i actually know that entails him falling on love with someone else that isn't me, and being happy with them, and loving them completely.

i love him so deep down in my heart that nothing could touch it or take it away.

it's an amazing feeling, actually. to really love someone that much. to love them enough to let go.

i love to listen to him in love. it makes me think some day i might feel that way again, too. This 'first love' love is really nice, too. I don't doubt for a second that he loves me. That's a nice feeling. And real this time.

Anyway it's late and I think I'm mistaking sleep deprivation for sadness. I don't sleep much anymore.

Just had a nanothought of my sweet friends Will and Joe. They're both in long term relationships with very nice ladies, both were single in high school. Tables turned, and their girlfriends talk of marriage.

Funny how things end up. (at present). never know how they'll turn out (in that thing called the 'future').

tomorrow. (better*)

*but of course.