11/16/06 - Look Away.

I wanted to write a song about all this, but it just wasn't worth it.

I wanted to write a poem, but i couldn't find the words. It all just seemed too thoughtfully constructed to be geniune. Kind of like you.

You, with your meticulously crafted image of apathy. You with your carefully choreographed song and dance... and not that it isn't beautiful, because it is- but I've seen those words before, I've heard those tunes. There's nothing new in it. It's all head, no heart.

Do you know what transparent means? I'm sure you do. I know you well enough to know that dictionary.com is one of your most frequented websites. I know you well enough to know you spend more time thinking about what people think of you than you'd ever care to admit. But who else (me, admittedly) spends that much time obsessing over alignment and glamourizing anonymity. I still see (right through) you.

I like the words that come out of your mouth. Your quotes are quotable. In one way or another, your quotes are quotes "quoted". And I'm glad you have a sense of humor with yourself, because I think you're laughable. You make me laugh. I think you're absurd.

I love the flaws, though. I love people's flaws, I love my flaws, I really love your flaws. I love your flaws like some part of every person loves to be slapped in the face.

I love it because I can feel it. It is shocking and appalling. It jolts me into the present. It reminds me I'm alive.

I love this darkness that I feel when I have to think of you because it reminds me I'm not perfect, and I never will be. And I love that it shows, that it's so penetrating it pierces right through my meticulously crafted mirage of apathy toward you. I love that I hate you and I can't help it, and that I finally don't give a shit whether or not you read this. Because it's so fucking real.

Look away and look forward some time. Keep looking away. I looked so far away that I came full circle... and suddenly I was staring at myself, behind myself, beside myself, and all my insecurities. And look at that, I found myself looking at you. I saw that you were me. And I couldn't look away, like I'd seen a trainwreck, with limbs. With ligaments and bones, and blood and fingers.

And I love this perfect tragedy, too. Just like I love everything that can't help but be beautifully terrible... it's so terribly beautiful... it really moves me

You are a byproduct of lessons learned. I will sweat you out. I will purge you. I will emerge from you.